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spending quite dense amounts of time.
biz during the day, more rock and roll during the night.
lacking in sleep, but don't really mind.
but despite all the time i spend, i still feel lacking.
all i want is to meet a woman that i can talk to.
is complex, dense, keeps me on my toes and motivated.
I don't need/want a "yes" woman: boring and no input>>>>output<<< karma seems to be keeping me at distance.
makes me sad, makes me hopeful, makes me stronger.
went out tonight, disco noddy dancing. had not done that in ages. i mean, wiggling your bum sober is a bit, er, silly. however, i was with professional company tonight. she is a musical artist and is named after a fruit and based in berlin. hung out with her in tokyo once and i have kept in touch with her posse. she remembered that i can't drink, so allocated other means of toxicity, which was just the right thing. hope to see her in austin tx next week and for round 2 of disco noddy. i probably need to go out a bit more.
my last night in berlin. i like this place. i should really come to europe a lot more often.
random photo from berlin. depressed. not good. not good.
why am i depressed? do i need to be? what can i do to remedy the cause?
rock on to enter shikari?
or cry with orbison?
next time i come here, i'd rather be with someone. it's a shame to have to keep such views in 2d.
sunday. not much to do. check out some possible places on interest on the net. museums, galleries.
woke up too late. did not go out till 17:00. not good. i was also under the influence. not so good.
decide to walk. walk east, i think. anyway, out the apt and turn left, go straight. keep on going.
i hit the main station of berlin, forget the name. another interesting glass structure. i go inside, shopping centre galore. there's even a starbucks, which is rare in berlin, i have only seen a few in the most commercial of areas. find a virgin megastore. look at the hawt produkt, all the same. hey, falco is still at it and so is engelbert humperdick. i probably spelt that wrong. ah, wtf. go through german music mags. "the killers in japan" hmm. another boooooooooooooorriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing series of photos of some a band riding the bullet train and hanging out backstage. all too familiar scenery. i heard from other sources that the video shoot for their new video was HELL. guys, tokyo is not a virtual concept, it's real. if you want to get things done, liaise, not be some ignorant white trash. force only goes so far. thought of buying the mag, but what's the point.
grab a rather disgusting coffee and leave the building. take some photos and a video or 2.
while walking, i think. i listen to music. i think.
i think, "think about it, you're lucky, you're in berlin, you're 38, you only need to be responsible to yourself". <-> "i'm 38, i am walking alone in berlin, killing time".
"what are you going to do, go on some ego trip again and date the next woman you meet?" <-> "no, i had enough of that, i would like to have a relationship with someone i am truly interested in".
"how are you going to do that?" <-> "well, i'd probably have to settle down a bit more, but as you, the other side of me knows, i tend to like strong, opinionated, cultured women that can hold their own. as japanse society in general don't endorse these type of ladies in general, they are the kind i usually don't meet in tokyo".
"so, you're saying you don't like japanese women in general?" <-> "come to think about it, as a very general guideline, yes"
"so you have a fetish for non-japanese women?" <-> "no, it's more to do with the mind. i really am into xxxxing the mind of a woman than their bodies and in general, i don't find it fun with most japanese women. as a common thread, all the women i have loved all speak english, japanese or not, i don't think they could understand me properly if they understood just japanese. plus i can't get along with japanese women that say they understand english but seem like they just got out the door from berlitz, ungrounded, shall i say".
"ok, mr. picky. so what are you going to do?" <-> "well, with the way things stand at the moment, my work is mostly in tokyo, and thankfully, it is going ok, i can probably cultivate something strong. however, there is a personal side of me that is never happiest in tokyo. i need to work on this".
"how?" <-> "well, i need to be more of a wheeler dealer, less work in the trenches. be able to work in a way i would be less dependent on location. i need to take course of action in two directions. one personal, one professional. first, the professional me works on the career more so that i earn more $, thus gaining some freedom to move, then the personal me kicks in and starts to move"
"i see. but isn't that what you've been doing since 2001?" <-> "yes, but i have more experience, and it seems everything is gradually falling into place. i mean, locale, for me as a single individual doesn't matter much anymore. i think it depends on the woman that would want a relationship with me and where she's based. i mean, look at all these at least aesthetically beautiful women of berlin. if i met a woman here right now, that rocked my boat, i would probably want to stay here. the case is, i just haven't met that person"
"so, what do you do?" <-> "that's the tricky part, innit? i can start going to bars and being trendy and whatnot, but wtf for? i don'teven drink. the regular guy's idea of entertainment, bars, shows, clubs, etc, for me usually means work. i find it more calming being in a supermarket at times. yeah, that is the problem innit, where do i meet real women?".....................
all this for 4 hours. architecture is lovely in this city.
悩むところではある。
いや、悩むのが問題ではなく、自分の優柔不断が問題か。
結局は何処にいようが、ベッドに横たわり、物思いに耽るのは変わらず。東京だろうがベルリンだろうが。
耽るのは物思いだけではなく、時も共に。
安堵の所を求めているのだろうが、何故こう生きるのが下手なのか。
あまり多くは望まないつもりだが、望みが強すぎるのか。
こうして再び溜息漏らし、夜が更ける。
こういうことなんだろう。
andy partridge hates this song, but too late.
looking back, looking in.
saw them in 1982, tokyo. that was a weird locale. akasaka new latin quarter. what was known to be a "cabaret/nightclub" in pre disco/nightclub days. was located right next to the infamous hotel that caught fire in akasaka, what was it, the new tokyo hotel? i still rememeber seeing the debris from the fire. right in the middle of tokyo.
then i saw them again, when was that, 1989? a girl from college wanted to go, so i went with her. i was over them by that time. i met dg a few years ago at a friend's recording studio in nyc, he seemed really nice.
i like good compact pop tunes like this.